Diary of a Jenova Witness
by Mandilla Rexx
Summary: Kadaj's Diary of his plan to convert the entire world to Jenovaism, among other things. R&R! Flames will be used to roast food for Sephiroth.
1. Diary Page 1

_**Diary of a Jenova Witness **_

**Disclaimer:** Don't own FFVII or Advent Children. No suing, SquareSoft! 3

/--------------------------------/------------------------------------------------/

April 3rd

Dear Diary,

Thinking of holding Cloud for ransom, but have decided against it for fear of his pointy hair and fangirls.

Have decided to kidnap little youthful children instead.

They will be good little Jenova Witnesses.

Kadaj

/----------------------/

April 5th

Dear Diary,

Yazoo, Loz, and I have succeeded in kidnapping youthful children.

Are in the process of brainwashing them.

Loz wanted to wash their brains until Yazoo told him the term was not literal.

Am taking into consideration the concept of firing Loz.

Kadaj

/-------------------------/

April 6th

Dear Diary,

Plan to fire Loz is bust.

Loz cried to Mother and I got my ass kicked.

I now own him a pony.

Dammit.

Kadaj

/-----------------------------/

April 8th

Dear Diary,

Loz has forgiven me.

Thank Jenova.

I have been unanimously named High Priest of Jenovaism.

Well, I unanimously named myself.

Hurrah!

Kadaj

/--------------------------------/

April 9th

Dear Diary,

Yazoo is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Either that or he's just bugging me so I'll buy him more shampoo.

Plan to brainwash children is complete.

They now sing the theme song for Happy Tree Friends.

I will kill Loz for that.

Kadaj

/-------------------------------/

April 10th

Dear Diary,

I preached for the very first time in front of the children.

I was very seductive.

Yazoo reminded me that these were not fangirls we were converting, but children, and children do not need to be seduced.

Damn Yazoo ruined my fun.

Kadaj

/-------------------------------/

April 10th, Later

Dear Diary,

Tried to baptize little youthful children.

Children were afraid of murky black water.

I told them it was wine.

That did not help.

Damn little children.

Kadaj


	2. Diary Page 2

April 12th

Dear Diary,

Cloud found the Jenova Witnesses' (shmexy) hideout, and proceeded to re-kidnap all the children.

His plan failed when Loz directed all 200 and something of them to sing the Happy Tree Friends theme.

I led the on slaughter and danced.

O! happy day!

Kadaj

/----------------------------------/

April 15th

Dear Diary,

Have discovered that Metal Chocoboes are NOT edible.

Will have Yazoo slap me for not listening to him.

Little children have successfully been baptized.

We all sang a rousing chorus of "She's Got the Whole Damn Planet in her Hands" in honor of Mother.

Kadaj

/-------------------------------------/

April 16th

Dear Diary,

Memo to self—teach youthful little children a new song. Happy Tree Friends are annoying the heck out of me.

Yazoo slapped me. I slapped back. Yazoo asked why I slapped him, and I promptly told him I need no such reason for my actions.

I'm His Holiness, the High Priest of Jenovaism, curses!

Kadaj

/--------------------------------/

April 17th

Dear Diary,

Have discovered that youthful little children have hunger needs. Sent Loz to the supermarket.

Loz spent all the money on candy.

Children rejoiced.

Kadaj

/------------------------------------------/

April 18th

Dear Diary,

Yazoo returned the children's candy for more nutritional food.

All candy bars were half-eaten.

Have considered investing in a cook after Yazoo and Loz set fire to the kitchen.

Kadaj

/-----------------------------/

April 19th

Dear Diary,

Today we kidnapped a child named Marlene.

She likes breath mints.

She also apparently likes Cloud Strife. Crap.

I suspect Cloud will visit again soon.

Kadaj

/--------------------------------/

April 23rd

Dear Diary,

Have decided to enlist someone to write me a theme song.

Maybe Tim Rice would write me something.

You know, not so mushy like Evita, but more… Rum Tum Tugger-ish.

And nothing about Mother being in a box.

Kadaj

/-------------------------------------/

April 24th

Dear Diary,

Could not get a hold of Tim Rice.

Decided to enlist the help of Loz instead.

Loz is a twit, but he's a twit who can sing in tune.

Kadaj

/---------------------------------------/

April 25th

Dear Diary,

Yazoo said that a theme song should not be on the top of my priority list.

I told him he was just jealous.

He threatened to run me over with our bikes.

Kadaj

/--------------------------------------/

April 27th

Dear Diary,

Never watch movies with Yazoo and Loz.

We saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Yazoo would not shut up. Loz cried when the rabbit ate people.

I found the movie pointless. Who cares about people in tights?

Leather is so much sexier.

Kadaj

/---------------------------------/

April 28th

Dear Diary,

The little youthful children are getting antsy.

The council of Jenovaism (Yazoo, Loz and I) have decided to try to make it snow so they can build snowmen.

Time to show the superiority of Jenovaism.

Kadaj

/-------------------------------/

April 30th

Dear Diary,

The snow thing didn't work.

Yazoo said it was because it's spring, and it doesn't snow in spring.

We decided to make fake snow out of Loz's dandruff.

What, you thought we couldn't have flaws?

Kadaj

/-----------------------------/

May 1st

Dear Diary,

Children are getting mad at me.

I told them it was not my fault that Loz wrote me a new theme song.

One child, Denzel, pointed out to me that "My United States of Whatever" was not created by Loz.

I beat Loz severely.

Kadaj

/---------------------------/

May 2nd

Dear Diary,

Have kidnapped more people.

This time, they are teenagers.

Teenagers are more prone to believing people with leather and silver hair.

Yazoo pointed out that most of the teenagers were fangirls.

I refused to let go of my new Jenova Witnesses.

Kadaj

/-------------------------------/


	3. Diary Page 3

Thanks everyone for the reviews! You keep the spirit of Jenova alive and well in our hearts!!! I'll be writing back to you guys before the story now, but I promise I'll keep it minimum. Here we go:

**xxtHe ScARleT iBisxx**-- ::wipes the soda off her face:: I'm glad I made someone laugh out loud. It's hard to do that for any writer.

**Yunichi**—WOO! Long live Jenovaism! Join the club! Hope you like the new chapter!

**AshNovember**—I SAW that shirt and now I want it very badly. I think I'll just end up making one instead. Oh, well.

**Rinkurocks**—Gracias, amigo. He is so innocent, isn't he? Just wait till you read THIS chapter!

**Disclaimer: **Blah, blah, blah. You know the drill. I don't own Kadaj, but I own his black murky water. It is kept in a bottle next to my bed. It smells lovely.

/-------------------------------------------------------------------/

May 3rd

Dear Diary,

Have taken a liking to one of the new Jenova Witnesses.

She says her name is Mina.

I said her name was too hard to remember, so I have dubbed her Alice.

Kadaj

/--------------------------------------------/

May 5th

Dear Diary,

Alice is interested in men with silver hair and sexy voices.

So am I.

I'm interested in that man who stares back at me through the mirror.

Kadaj

/-------------------------------------------/

May 6th

Dear Diary,

Yazoo says its dangerous to form relationships with your followers.

I told him to shut up, and that I was NOT forming 'relationships' with certain female followers.

Kadaj

/-----------------------------------/

May 7th

Dear Diary,

Alice has offered to dye her hair silver and become a member of the Jenova Council.

I refused gently.

She said I had no need to throw a tantrum like a three year old, and asked why.

I told her the strict commandment of Jenovaism: Only men with silver hair are allowed on the Jenova Council.

Alice pointed out that this commandment was written in crayon in my handwriting, instead of being typed like the others.

I told her to shut up.

Kadaj

/----------------------------/

May 8th

Dear Diary,

Have been formulating a plan to include Alice in Jenova's "Great Coming".

So far, it involves a needle, some Jenova cells, and Alice.

Yazoo noted that this sounded strangely, like what happened to our brother, Sephiroth.

I beg to differ.

Kadaj

/-----------------------------------/

May 9th

Dear Diary,

Alice asks if this will be like the whole Sephiroth-Hojo thing.

I, once again, told her no.

She seemed disappointed in a way.

I asked her if this was about sex, and she said no and rolled her eyes.

I'm majorly confused.

Kadaj

/----------------------------------/

May 10th

Dear Diary,

Am suspecting that Alice is after my nuts.

She asked for some of my honey-roasted peanuts today, and I ran away screaming "NOOOO!!!"

She then asked if I had any other nuts, which I promptly said no to.

I asked her if this was once again about copulating with me, and she muttered something about me being in denial.

Huh? ME in DENIAL?

Kadaj

/------------------------------------/

May 11th

Dear Diary,

Have written new commandments. They read as followed:

#1: Thou hath only ONE Jenova. Not five or six, just one.

#2: Thou shalt worship Jenova all the time. Along with the High Priest.

#3: Thou shalt not be afraid of baptismal waters.

#4: Love thyself as you love your High Priest.

#5: Ridicule Loz whenever possible.

#6: Thou shalt not eat chocolate chip cookies without sharing with Kadaj first.

#7: Mother is not your actual mother. But she is God.

#8: Never out-sexy The Jenova Council.

Kadaj

/---------------------------------/

May 12th

Dear Diary,

Yazoo says my commandments stray from the true meaning of Jenovaism.

I told him I thought this WAS what it was about. Like Christmas is about presents.

Loz wanted a Christmas-like holiday in Jenovaism.

Happy Lozmas.

Kadaj

/--------------------------------------/

May 13th

Dear Diary,

After being distracted from my plan for Alice, I have reentered the planning stages.

Have decided to stage a second coming of Jenova.

Alice will make a nice Jenova.

Maybe.

Kadaj

/-------------------------------------/

May 14th

Dear Diary,

Have revealed my plan to other Jenova Witnesses.

They liked the plan.

Alice especially liked it.

Kadaj


	4. Video Clips 1

Thanks to:

**Anemone:** Well… here you are! Thanks… I… love you too? Lol.

Nyx-Key: I have no idea what he has against Monty Python. I love MP!!!

**AshNovember**: Merry Loz-mas to you too! Hehe… wait till they CELEBRATE Loz-mas…

**Yunichi**: Do I sense a jealous fangirl::tsk tsk::

**AN**: Welllll…. I decided to do something different, because a strange new idea popped in my head… and I couldn't do it in Kadaj's diary form. So Yazoo and Alice have raided the camera aisle!!!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anyone… except Alice. Mina. Whatever. ::rolls eyes::

/----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------/

Yazoo readjusted the camera and hid it under one of Loz's jackets. Alice stifled her laughter as he clicked 'record'.

"Hey, everybody," Yazoo greeted, his smile fake. "I'm Yazoo, and this is 'Alice'," Alice waved, "and this is a video just for Kadaj, because we all know he's in denial. Honestly, Kadaj, we all know you like Alice—Mina. This is a video _just for you_ to show you your stupid pick up lines and crap."

/----------------------------------------------/

CLIP #1:

Kadaj entered the room where Yazoo, Loz and Alice were playing FFX.

"Hey, Alice," Kadaj said casually, leaning on her gaming chair.

"Hi," she answered distractedly.

There was a long pause as Yazoo, Loz and Alice continued to the next level.

Kadaj strolled over to Yazoo and Loz and knocked their heads together, causing them to become unconscious.

"OH MY GOD!!!" Kadaj shrieked with fake concern. "I'm the only Remnant left! Quickly, Alice! We must procreate the species!"

Alice whacked him in the head with the controller, and continued to lead Yuna and Tidus on their journey to obtain the Final Aeon.

/-------------------------------------------------------/

CLIP #2:

"FINALLY!!!" Kadaj proclaimed triumphantly, bursting through the door, arms laden with bundles of stuff.

"What?" Loz asked, his eyes hopeful. "Did you find Mommy?"

"REFER TO HER AS 'MOTHER', YOU COW-TURD!" Kadaj shouted, dropping his parcels on the table. Loz ran out crying.

"Whatcha got, Kadaj?" Alice asked, exchanging glances with Yazoo, who was updating the Jenova Witness webpage.

"All the supplies needed to bring Jenova back!" Kadaj explained, excited, ripping open the boxes.

"Am I really gonna just be taken over by Jenova?" Alice asked sullenly.

"No, silly fangirl. You WILL be Jenova! You will have all her power! You will be the coolest Jenova ever created…" Kadaj ranted, his eyes crazy with enthusiasm.

"do you have enough Jenova cells?" Yazoo asked dryly.

Kadaj stopped.

"CRAP!!!" he shrieked. "RUFUS, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!"

/----------------------------------------------------------------------------/

**The first one was the one that I found hilarious. I say that a lot now. The whole procreating the species thing. **

**Sorry for the change… I promise, you'll get the really deal next time. I'm just kind of brain dead today. ::sigh::**

**Any ideas? PM me or email me. I promise the proper credit to whoever does.**

Kadaj: Man, you make me look pathetic.

Me: Sorry, your Holiness.

Kadaj: Damn straight. Make me a sandwich, Alice!

Alice slaps Kadaj with a PS2 controller.


	5. Diary Page 4

Thanks to:

**AshNovember**: You liked that little bit too?! Kadaj is a silly boy, isn't he?

**Nyx-Key: **Right-o boss::salutes:: Alice—mina—whatever, will probably end up doing something like that… -.-;;

**Yunichi: **Message from Yazoo to you: IN. DENIAL! Lol enjoy the next adventure silly fangirl! Lol

**Disclaimer: **I own Alice. Mina. Whatever. Nothing else. Maybe one of the children, but not very likely.

/-----------------------------------------------------/

May 18th

Dear Diary,

Why must I be called an emo?

I am most certainly NOT an emo!

I DO angst, I realize that, but…

I'm not all: "OMG life is a black abyss; I'm gonna slit my wrists."

Kadaj

/-------------------------------------------------/

May 19th

Dear Diary,

Loz and Denzel have a new goal in life.

Besides pleasing Jenova and their High Priest.

They want to start a Chocobo farm.

Alice told them that it was a unusual dream, but to go for it.

She then muttered something about taking me with them.

Kadaj

/---------------------------------------/

May 20th

Dear Diary,

Tried to seduce Alice.

Did not work.

I ended up with a controller hitting my head and Alice ended up winning the next level of Final Fantasy X.

What's so bad about procreating the Jenova species?!

Kadaj

/---------------------------------------/

May 21st

Dear Diary,

Happy birthday, Loz!

Yazoo bought Loz a birthday present.

And he, of course, bought something for the two of us too.

New bikes!

WOO!!!

Kadaj

/-------------------------------------------/

May 23rd

Dear Diary,

Have decided to take matters into my own hands.

Will go scouting for Cloud and Rufus, because I suspect they have some Jenova body parts.

Which we kind of need to revive Mother.

Kadaj

/--------------------------------------------/

May 27th

Dear Diary,

Have been stalking Brother Cloud for 3 days now.

Cloud may be suspicious. He keeps glaring back over his shoulder.

Maybe we should stop prank calling him.

Must hide you now, diary. Cloud is rapidly approaching, looking quite perturbed.

Kadaj

/--------------------------------------------/

May 28th

Dear Diary,

Had an uber-cool bike chase.

Have also sent Loz out to beat that girl Cloud hangs out with.

You know, the one with the boob job?

Alice says she saw Vincent Valentine today.

I asked her if she laughed at his big feet.

I got rammed into a brick wall.

Kadaj

/--------------------------------------------/

May 30th

Dear Diary,

Am suspecting that Alice's affections are straying towards other persons.

Mainly Yazoo.

Yazoo denies it, and says they are only planning my demise and the resurrection of Jenova.

I asked him to repeat the first one.

Yazoo asked if I wanted sugar for my coffee.

Kadaj

/--------------------------------------------/

May 30th (Later)

Dear Diary,

Hey… I don't even DRINK coffee!!!

Am suspecting that Yazoo had muttered something else.

Kadaj

/---------------------------------------/

May 31st

Dear Diary,

Have successfully seduced Alice with muffins.

Yay for me!

Yazoo asked if we were going to go steady.

Alice answered that with a muffled "yesh".

Wait… what?

Kadaj

/--------------------------------------------------------/

**::hides from fangirls:: **

**Don't kill me! it won't last long, for sure. I just want to explore possibilities. Lol. **

**Review please! And don't be angry! **


	6. Video Clips 2

**Disclaimer:** I own Alice and the procreating the species quote. Honestly, what is the point of disclaiming things on We all know nobody owns anything we write about (except our OC's.).

/--------------------------------------------------------------/

CLIP #3:

Kadaj walked in, bewildered.

"What just happened?" he asked Loz, who was organizing his chap stick collection.

"You've just given up your freedom by succumbing to a fangirl's wishes?" Loz guessed.

Kadaj shrugged. "I have no idea what you just explained to me, but I guess it's probably right. Anything with 'fangirl' and 'wishes' in it pretty much explains my situation."

/------------------------------------------------------------/

CLIP #4:

Yazoo walked into the room, and waved at the camera. He quickly checked to see if anyone was coming, which no one was, and sat down in front of the camera.

"Hey, Mister Camera," he greeted. "Well… I guess our plan to turn Alice into Jenova isn't going as well… Alice claims that she and Kadaj are dating, but I think Kadaj is oblivious to her declaration."

"Kadaj isn't home today—he's taken the kids out on a 'scavenger hunt' for 'jenova's sacred parts'—so I'm safe for the moment. If Loz finds this, we're in trouble… so… good bye, camera."

Yazoo slipped off his seat and picked up the camera, placing somewhere less noticeable, like under all his underwear.

/---------------------------------------------------------/

**Well.**

**That was interesting.**

**Hurrah for men's underwear! **

**Next topic: boxers or briefs?**


	7. Diary Page 5

**AN**: Sorry, guys. I had a _bad_ case of writers block, and couldn't think of anything funny… I don't think this is even that hilarious. ::hides face in shame:: This usually doesn't happen! Maybe because I got sick…? Dunno. I'll stop rambling now.

**Disclaimer**: I think of all the things I could do other than write a disclaimer… and there's not a lot I'd do.

* * *

June 9th

Dear Diary,

Have not written in a long time because I was having an awesome adventure.

First, after kidnapping youthful children, we made them all stand in Edge's city square.

They were, of course, brainwashed to do so.

Yazoo and Loz then proceeded to make them sing the Happy Tree Friends theme to kill all citizens of the town by making their ears bleed.

Plan did not work.

Am considering revising the plan.

Kadaj

* * *

June 11th

Dear Diary,

Have significantly revised plan.

Children are now merely diversions.

Loz and Yazoo are now to pull down the thingy in the middle of the square to kill people.

Cross your fingers and hope it works.

Kadaj

* * *

June 12th

Dear Diary,

Plan kind of succeeded.

AFTER I summoned Bahamut.

Yazoo then made Loz drag the thingy off its platform onto some people.

Loz complained and made Yazoo help.

Kadaj

* * *

June 13th

Dear Diary,

Cloud is an evil, evil man.

He tried to kill me, dammit!

And after all I tried to do for those poor children… all I did was give them a religion.

And brainwash them.

And stole their cookies…

Wait…

Did I actually DESERVE that?

Kadaj

* * *

June 14th

Dear Diary,

Thank god for the clone machine.

After Sephiroth so evilly took over my shmexy body, Cloud proceeded to try and perfect his onion-slicing skills on him.

I was not in that battle, but the clone was.

He-he-he-he…

Kadaj

* * *

June 15th

Dear Diary,

Found out that Yazoo and Loz used clone machine too.

Very smart, considering it was them.

Did not get good response when I told them that.

I was severely beaten.

So much for escaping with no injuries.

Kadaj

* * *

June 16th

Dear Diary,

Alice has found a Ouija board.

She suggested if we were going to finish the reunion, we might as well get Sephiroth back.

Yazoo commented that he heard Ouija boards were the "gateways to hell".

Alice told him he was stupid, and where else would we find Sephiroth?

BUUUUUURN!!!

Kadaj

* * *

Sorry for the short chapter, but… it's better than nothing!

Kadaj: I finally learned how to use the ruler thingy!

Me: You like the word "thingy", don't you?

Kadaj: Shut up and make me a sandwich!


	8. Diary Page 7

**AN**: Sorry for the lack of updates. I felt lazy and had no inspiration.

Thanks to:

_Neo-Nebula_: Hehe. I can tell you love the story. And Yazoo.

_Redwood_: Heh. That part made you laugh, too?

_Nyx-Key_: Kadaj sends his apologies. He will never say that again.

_Midori Death_: I really want a sandwich, too.

_Kixyelle_: Yay! Another fan!

**Disclaimer**: don't own it. Except Alice.

* * *

June 17th

Dear Diary,

Sadly, Sephiroth has been revived.

He hit me!

And then we all broke into song.

I never knew I knew the words to "I'll Make a Man Out of You".

Huh.

Kadaj

* * *

June 18th

Dear Diary,

Have discovered the wonderful taste of Rolo's.

Have also discovered that this love of Rolo's comes from Sephiroth.

Sephiroth is mean, and took my Rolo's.

Kadaj

* * *

June 19th

Dear Diary,

Must write quickly—have Jenova's Witness mass in 5 minutes.

Have to make myself presentable to children, fangirls, and Sephiroth.

Well, maybe not Sephiroth.

Kadaj

* * *

June 20th

Dear Diary,

Sephiroth is plotting to steal my fangirls.

Either that, or fangirls are very fickle.

At least I still have Alice!

…Right?

Kadaj

* * *

June 21st

Dear Diary,

Alice has assured me that she would never leave me for Sephiroth.

She then called him a hoe.

I asked her if she meant "ho" as in the derogatory term.

She said spelling it with a 'e' at the end was much cooler.

Kadaj

* * *

June 22nd

Dear Diary,

Note to self: never try to swim in a bathtub.

Too small.

It's all Loz's fault I broke the tub! He wouldn't get in unless I tested it first.

Idiot.

Kadaj

* * *

June 23rd

Dear Diary,

Sephiroth threatened to read you this morning after finding you under my bed.

That fiend!

I am not a sissy! Valentine has one! I found it lying out in a field one time.

Maybe that's why he considers me a villain.

Does reading someone else's diary make you evil?

Moo-ha-ha.

Kadaj

* * *

June 24th

Dear Diary,

Life goes on.

Sort of.

Testing on Alice has resumed, and she has times when she cackles evilly.

She threatened me once, too.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Kadaj

* * *

June 25th

Dear Diary,

Alice had another "Jenova" fit.

She started kicking Sephiroth and calling him a moron for not destroying earth yet.

I laughed.

Then I was beaten.

Kadaj

**

* * *

Well… that's all I have. For now.**

Kadaj: My mommy doesn't love me::runs off crying::

**I love you!**


	9. Diary Page 8

**AN:** YAY! I'm on a roll!!! Thanks to:

**Key**: Yay! I AM back! What a miracle!

**Stella the Sniper**: Don't bleed all over my clean floor.

**Butterfly of Death 2007:** Hehe. I saw that vid too. It was quite fun.

* * *

June 26th

Dear Diary,

Children have discovered the joys of Chocoboes.

Youthful children now want them as pets.

Could not say no to puppy eyes and bright faces.

Kadaj

* * *

June 27th

Dear Diary,

Have discovered the joys of Disney.

Especially Peter Pan.

I wanna be a fairy.

I do believe in fairies, I do, I do!

Kadaj

* * *

June 28th

Dear Diary,

Alice has refused to make me a fairy.

Damn.

I wanted a cool green suit and some fuzzy shoes.

She told me I'd look like a pimp if I did.

Kadaj

* * *

June 29th

Dear Diary,

Have discovered the wonders of duct tape.

Made Loz and Yazoo let me wrap them in duct tape.

They protested.

And had their bodies covered in duct tape.

Kadaj

* * *

June 30th

Dear Diary,

Have decided to buy different colors of duct tape.

Pink burns your eyes after a while.

Alice asked why we need more duct tape.

I replied that I was going to tape my brothers together so I wouldn't lose them anymore.

Alice did not seem sure of my plan.

Kadaj

* * *

July 1st

Dear Diary,

Plan to tape together Loz, Yazoo and Sephiroth did not work.

At all.

Sephiroth burned our duct tape.

And Jenova-possessed Alice beat him severely.

Kadaj

* * *

July 2nd

Dear Diary,

Jenova-possessed Alice is scary.

Have decided to revoke plan to change her.

Sephiroth did not agree.

At least, until she dumped boiling water on his head.

Kadaj

* * *

July 3rd

Dear Diary,

Alice has been visiting Big Foot.

And hitting me.

She explains that if I didn't call Vincent Valentine "Big Foot", I would not get hit.

I beg to differ.

Kadaj

* * *

July 4th

Dear Diary,

Decided to be a good boyfriend.

Bought Alice a pretty dress.

She hit me again.

Said it was too skimpy and 3 dress sizes too big.

Damn.

Kadaj

* * *

July 5th

Dear Diary,

Have been alerted that the Anime Villian's Association has taken away brownie points.

Damn again.

Can not do anything right lately.

Except make Sephiroth miserable.

Kadaj

* * *

**Sorry for the long wait, guys. I lost interest, and it just became a mess. Sorry guys. Really. I'll update better now.**

_Kadaj:_ When do I get to torture Sephiroth?

**Later, silly boy. Later.**


	10. Diary Page 9

AN: I'ma back!!!one!!1 Thanks to:

**Key**: I'm sorry you won't be on anymore. :( You will be remembered. :P

**Stella the Sniper**: Hehe. I have too much fun with torture.

**Butterfly of Death 2007:** My best parodies come from watching vid's.

**Chaxra-san and Neo-Nebula: **Yer welcome for the update, darlins'.

**Whitelanc3r: **I love duct tape. I think that might be a recurring theme.

**Ringbearergreasergirl: **Yay! A new fan::Dances::

* * *

July 6th

Dear Diary,

Have been feeling unusually obnoxious lately.

Have decided to prank call people.

Kadaj

* * *

July 7th

Dear Diary,

Prank called Barret.

I do not feel safe anymore.

Would you after someone threatened to hang you by your innards?

I think not.

Kadaj

* * *

July 8th

Dear Diary,

The discovery of Yazoo's obsession with rubber ducks is disturbing.

And the fact that he wears a shower cap.

And takes bubble baths.

Oh, damn these eyes…

Kadaj

* * *

July 9th

Dear Diary,

Have agreed with Yazoo to never speak of bubble bath incident.

EVER AGAIN.

Too bad Loz was listening to us.

Kadaj

* * *

July 10th

Dear Diary,

Secret of bubble bath incident has leaked out.

Am dreading consequences of this leakage of information.

Am expecting a random revenge attack any minute.

Kadaj

* * *

July 11th

Dear Diary,

Surprisingly, I have not been attacked.

Loz is hanging in the dead tree outside our hideout.

Covered in duct tape, of course.

Kadaj

* * *

July 12th

Dear Diary,

Happy Lozmas.

The first celebration went well.

Little children were afraid of the burning fern.

And the fact that Sephiroth was supposed to be Santa Claus.

Kadaj

* * *

**Well…**

**Ish updated. Be happeh**.

_Kadaj:_ When are we gonna cover E Nomine?

**I GET TO IT WHEN I GET TO IT!!!!**

_Kadaj whimpers._


	11. Diary Page 10

**AN: Sorry for the lack of updates, peoples. This is soooo random but kinda fun.**

* * *

July 13th

Dear Diary,

Am suffering from massive hangover from Lozmas celebration.

Alice is not sympathetic.

Perhaps it is because everyone is suffering from massive hangovers.

Even little youthful children.

Kadaj

* * *

July 14th

Dear Diary,

Discovered children were not hungover, only hungry.

That's a relief.

Sephiroth is still not well.

… when was he ever?

Kadaj

* * *

July 15th

Dear Diary,

Sephiroth did not take lightly to the not well joke.

Did not know he still reads you.

SORRY, SIR!

Kadaj

* * *

July 17th

Dear Diary,

Yazoo is none too happy with Loz.

Loz dumped all his fragranced bath soap in his Coke.

Haha.

That's pretty mean.

Kadaj

* * *

July 18th

Dear Diary,

Have learnt of a nemesis named "Jesus Christ".

Considered killing him so Jenovaism would rein supreme.

Alice informed me he's already dead.

Damn.

Kadaj

* * *

**Haha. Jesus.**

**Jesus saves.**

**His money.**


End file.
